Lets face it, 2011 was one of the wildest years in recent history. Here is a compendium of things in 2011 that contributed to all the movin and shakin’. To add some flavor, I ranked them from least to most American. Enjoy.
1. Casey Anthony (LEAST American)
It was a pool, it was her dad, it was…we’ll never know. Remember how a “psychic” guessed within 15 yards of the body? I’m speechless. Jeff Ashton is rumored to be running for State Attorney this year, despite the fact that he goofed on the biggest case of his life. If he wins that position, it really will be Imperfect Justice.
2. Jerry Sanduski
Forget 2011, this was the biggest sports scandal of the DECADE. Little boys haven’t been this terrorized since ancient Greece. Enough with it already, take the wins away from Joe Pa and make Bobby Bowden the most winning coach in college football history!
3. Occupy (Insert white collar city)
On my way home from work everyday, I pass a Sheraton with a sign outside that reads “NOW HIRING. ALL POSITIONS”. Jobs exist, they’re just the American kind. Come in early, stay late, and work hard all day. Want the easy road out? Buy a lottery ticket. In the mean time, get out of the local park, my dog needs something to pee on.
4. Urban Meyer
Who claims they’re retiring for health reasons to accept a job at Ohio State just one year later? That guy is just plain Un-American.
5. Airport Scanners
A modern anomaly and ubiquitously hated. I feel bad even when my dog sees me scantily clad; God forgive the poor soul working behind that glass window.
6. Gabrielle Giffords
The Congresswoman from Arizona was shot by a crazed gunman at a Safeway in Arizona. She beat the odds to survive, and recently made a promise to return to Congress. Wow. Beating the odds with a survival of such proportions deserves heroic honors.
7. Steve Jobs.
We’re all sad this gizmo-producing-machine is gone; I mean, everyone loves Apple stuff. But there are 34,300 other people that work at 1 Infinite Loop (Apple’s HQ). Maybe all the other people are working on those uber-pesky iTunes updates.
8. Charlie Sheen
Winning, Tiger Blood, Duh?!?! Who couldn’t love the consternation surrounding this self-indulgent, deranged and delusional individual. By far the most unintentionally entertaining celebrity anyone uncovered in 2011.
9. Osama Bin Laden (is gone)
What drink has 3 shots and a splash of water? <—- Even the Dalai Lama thought the guy was a jerk. Hallelujah!
10. Seal Team Six (MOST American)
Lets face it, Time magazine pulled a fast one when they named “The Protester” as the person of the year. Don’t forget about the US Captain they saved from the Somali pirates in 2009, either. Would you raid a guys house who orchestrated the slaughter of so many innocent lives? I’m substituting these guys in place of apple pie next time I reference how American something is.
Whats to come for 2012?
The return of frozen yogurt, euphemized as “Gelati”. First coffee, then smoothies, now this. Welcome to the newest way for your female companion to waste an hour of your pay.
Well, the United States now host a population of 312.8 million, all making use of Ol’ Glory’s riches. Don’t worry, thats still a BILLION people less than China. Welcome to the year where clean air may be more valuable than Grandma’s dentures.
HAPPY NEW YEAR